Friday, February 20, 2004

Bedwetter's Dream

I probably need to be in bed right now, but I don't care. I am wide awake. Actually, why the hell should I be in bed? I am off work tomorrow/today, I am not at all sleepy, I am not yet drunk, and YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!! I can stay up all night if I so choose. Quite frankly, I think I just might do that. I mean, sleep is so overrated. It is so, like, 1993 or some such shit.

Speaking of sex, let me tell you about a sex dream that I am always having. Okay, so it all started a year or so ago. I got naked, ate a Twinkie, made sweet love to a watermelon, and went to bed (Shut the hell up. I do not judge your pre-sleepytime rituals). So anyway, I had this dream where I was in France. I was sitting down at an outdoor cafe. It was late spring/early summer and the trees were partially full of blooms. I could hear generic French music in the air. There were alot of Mary Poppinsesque blue birds everywhere. I was sitting there having coffee and talking. The conversation was awesome. I laughed. I cried. I bought the t-shirt. Seriously, the conversation was outstanding. I sat and spoke and spoke and laughed and laughed with my coffee drinking companion. I wanted to never wake up. The only thing I could not figure out was how the hell does he pick up his coffee mug while wearing that claw glove. It made no sense to me. Oh yea, I was having coffee in France with Freddy Krueger. So we sat there and spoke for the longest time...he really is a funny, funny man...but eventually the coffee ran out.

As he finished his cup, Freddy looked at me with great disappointment and said, "Well, Preston, I'm sorry and I hate to say it, but it is time. You know that I don't want to, but it is sort of my thing."

"No, Freddy, don't apologize! Seriously, I totally understand! I mean, it is what you do. It's cool, seriously," I reassured.

All at once the scene changed. I was in the boilerroom and Freddy was chasing me in an attempt to kill me.

So anyway, I woke up. Well the next night, upon going to sleep, I believe I found myself in the cafe once more. It is hard to remember now. At any rate, he took me out on a date. Freddy is so romantic. We ended up back at his place. Now, I am going to spare the details, but MAN!!! WOOOO!!! It was the best sex I have ever had. Be that dreamt or real. It was da proverbial "bomb"! I still do not understand why anyone ever actually used that term. "Da bomb" I mean.

Okay for the next week I was running home and going to bed early because I knew that Freddy was waiting on me. Every night for a week and a half we would have dinner somewhere, then go and fuck. Then, we'd finish and fuck some more. Il est tres romantique.

Well anyway, Freddy and I did not see one another for a month or so. He then came back to me for a couple of weeks of extremely erotic sexual escapades. Then nothing. Then he came back. Then nothing again. Then back again. I have decided that his line of work is more demanding that mine and he therefore travels alot.

Well, the last time I saw him was just before the movie 'Freddy vs. Jason' was released in the theater. Freddy and I were walking thru the streets of New York, hand in claw, and talking. People passed us but did not look twice. Only in New York I suppose. Well, I basically told him that I had missed him and that he was so going to totally kick Jason's pussy ass. Freddy, being the modest man he is, told me that either of them could win and that it would be an interesting and fair fight. I said yea it was going to be interesting and fair, but he was still going to kick Jason's pansy ass. (I will not ruin the movie's ending for those of you who have not yet seen it. By the way, what the fuck are you thinking not seeing some goddamned 'Freddy vs. Jason'?!?! That is fucked up dude! Like seriously.) He just got all shy and may have blushed...hard to tell...then said that he did hope to win. After walking and talking to him for several minutes, he had to leave. He said that he had to go and take care of something. I said my goodbyes and watched as he crossed the street avoiding being hit by one car. There was a little old lady with lavender hair. She was walking a poodle whose hair was the same color as hers. I watched Freddy from across the street as he stabbed her in the stomach repeatedly, disemboweling her.

I just looked at him, shook my head, grinned, and said, "Oh Freddy!"

I don't know why my dreams are always so fucked up. The sex is always good though.