Thursday, April 22, 2004

Green Mushrooms

I think I am getting fired. JP called today and told me that we are having a meeting on Friday at 10 am and it is important that I am there. I was out almost all of my last work week due to illness. If I get fired, what with everything else that has been going on, I'll probably kill myself. Yes, that is a rather morbid statement to make, but it is true. I do not think I will be able to handle another major setback. Granted, I do hate my job. I am always saying that I am trying to be fired, but I am always kidding about it. I do not actually WANT to be fired, I am just a chronic complainer. I think I am going to call JP tomorrow and just ask him if I am being fired. I called work earlier to find out if anyone knows what the meeting is about and why it is so important that I am there. No one had even heard about a meeting. Yea, I am being "let go." I hate when people call it that. "Let go." It is such a stupid term for losing one's job. It is like "pulling the plug." I am not too fond of that term either. I don't know. I really am going to kill myself if I lose my job. I HAVE to keep a job. Basically, my life depends on it. I have to have insurance. Without insurance, I am just sitting around waiting to die. I cannot afford treatment and no independent insurance agency is going to insure a lepper. You sure did a great job of fucking up this life, Preston.

I used to think that I believed in reincarnation, but the more I think about that, the more I realize that I do not. I am deathly afraid of, well, death. There is no way that I can believe in reincarnation as I would not be so afraid to die if I did. Does that make sense? I mean, knowing that no matter how much you fuck up this life, you'll always be able to try again in the next sort of takes away all meaning from life for me. What is the point? It is not like in a video game where you fuck up and fall in the hole and you just pop back up on the screen and try again. Two more lives. Green mushrooms give you even more shots to make things work out. Jump. Fall. Two more. Back up. Run. Jump. Fall. One more. Back way up. Really run. Leap of faith. Never quite far enough though. Reset. Retry. No number of green mushrooms or Game Shark codes will be able to save your ass if you just CANNOT get over that hole. Some holes are impossible to make it past. I don't think that even if reincarnation is real, I would be able to do any better in the next life. I would still be reaching the same impassable holes. Still back away in preparation for my hundred yard dash/ leap of fleeting faith. Still would fall short of my mark. Again and again and again. Reset. Retry. It is frustrating.

So what is the point of life? To try and do as much, learn as much, obtain as much as you can in the short period of time that you are on this rock? If so, why bother? It is not like the things you do, learn, and obtain now will help you out one hundred years down the road. Edina Monsoon (Jennifer Saunders) on the show Absolutely Fabulous said, "Honestly, when I think of how much I've invested in this body, in this life darling. Ya know, I've had the best of everything. I've been pampered by Shapney's. I've been fed by Fortnem's. I've been shaved, plucked, and moisturized, sweety. I mean this carcass ain't croakin' or I'll sue!...I don't wanna end up as some drugged up zombie in a hospital, allright?! I want to die with a bit of dignity, ya know?! I don't want the last words I hear to be, 'SWITCH HER OFF!'" I probably mispelled the names Fortnem's and Shapney's as I do not know what either of those is. I feel pretty much the way she does. Though, I am at a point where I am realizing that since life is a pointlessly lengthy packrat session, it obviously is a meaningless waste of time. Why bother? I don't know.

I am going to stop writing now. I need to go outside and smoke.

Maybe I'll find a green mushroom.