Friday, May 14, 2004

Holy Wow

Hello my little turtle doves. Been a crazy few weeks, but then how is that any different than every other week of mine? Still searching for a job. I think I may actually have to apply for a job as a...gulp...waiter. Not that that is a bad job. I just think that I would suck ass at it in a bad way.

Oh I have a boyfriend. His name shall be Elf as that is what he sort of looks like. Somewhere between Puck, an elf from LOTR, and maybe that guy from the OC (Which is thankfully not a show I have had the displeasure of seeing.). He is very hyperactive and very nice. Conversations with him are always interesting as he has random comments much like the one's that I am always spouting out. He is just a really good guy. Well, he is for now. I am always ready and waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is just hella cool right now though.

So Father O'Flannigan's and Little Gay's computers are both in the hospital. I have to go and see them tomorrow. The are ill and have been unable to connect to the internet. It is one of the greatest travesties of our time. Poor little things.

I had a rather interesting conversation with an ex a couple of weeks ago. Not going to get into all of the details of it as it has all already been said once or twice now and that is more than enough times for me. Basically, we acted like to southern belles who hate one another but are at a social function. Lots of forced smiles, fake laughs, subtle jugular jabs. Eventually I think we actually had civil conversation. Interesting night to say the least. The next night I apparently saw and had a long pleasant conversation with him. I honestly have absolutely no recollection of this whatsoever. I may have accidentally taken a Xanax and been drinking. Sometimes that happens. Apparently I spoke to like forty people that Saturday night. I always forget why I hate those evil little pills. I always manage to remember why by the next day though. I am tired of having complete conversations with random people and not remembering even being out to begin with. I need to just not take them anymore, me thinks. Yea, that is what I'll do. What am I talking about? Kind of started just typing stream of consciousness.

Hmmm...oh yea I got my fist two abs. I was working out for literally the third or eighth time yesterday. I noticed my stomach was hurting. Burning actually. I was thinking that that was a good thing, but it really, REALLY fucking hurt. Well, anyway, I grabbed my stomach after doing crunches and felt them. They are those two abs that live at the top of the pack. Well, as I have always been a lard ass and have, therefore, never felt abs on myself before, I freaked out. Not an 'OH MY GOD I HAVE ABS!' freak out. It was more of an 'OH MY GOD I HAVE SERIOUSLY INJURED MYSELF CAUSING MY INTESTINES TO RUPTURE AND TRY AND FORCE THEIR WAY OUT FROM MY STOMACH!' I was scared to death. I just felt two hard lumps. I mean, yes, I have been doing crunches in the hopes that I'd get these growths, but how was I supposed to know what they feel like? Oh well, enough about my two rock hard abs.

Some woman at this god awfully redneck incestuous cesspool of a bar that I went to with some friends was checking me out as I walked through. I choked back the rising bile and ignored her. As we were leaving, Big Nasty grabs my arm and tells me to come over and meet her friend. I told her that I was actually leaving and tried to politely excuse myself. She drags me over to a robust lazy-eyed woman with four piercings jutting from her bottom lip. She, Big Nasty, then introduces us and tells me, "If you want to come home with us and fuck us both tonight, you can have us." Choking back the rising bile once more, I told her that as flattering as that is I would have to decline her offer. She said, "What you don't WANT to fuck US?! What are you too GOOD for US?!" Avoiding the obvious YES that I wanted to blurt out along with a few tips on personal hygiene, I chose to say, "I am sorry but you don't have the correct 'equipment' for me." Again I tried to walk away. Big Nasty thru up her arm stopping me and said, "OH! I have a strap-on. You want me to bend you over and fuck you." On that note, feeling totally appalled, nauseated, and mortified, I said, "No thanks," as I ran past her grabbed Elf, and said, "It is time for us to go, NOW!" He didn't ask any questions and we left. What is the moral of that story? If you are ever forced to go to a horrible little hole in the wall bar and a person who is debatably a woman looks at you and smiles, turn and run. Fairly obvious moral huh! Well no one ever told me and you see what happened to me. Mississippians are determined to try and make me squeal. I need to escape this asylum state.

Later Consuela!