Thursday, June 03, 2004

HIV-Negative Sympathizer

I wrote this in response to a column I read on

I am an HIV-positive 22 year old. I felt like that should probably be said first. At least that way you could probably guess that this is about CIA.

My first sexual experience was when I was 19 years old. Long story short, I was raped by a guy I knew and, well, six months later I found out that I have "the hiv." That does not mean that I feel that because of the way I contracted it, I should somehow be excluded from being viewed as ill. I do not want or feel that I deserve sympathy either. It sucks that I got it, but now I must deal with it.

I am dating a guy who is HIV-negative. I told him upfront, as I always tell guys that I am interested in, that I am positive. I do not feel like wasting time and emotion trying to pursue a relationship with someone who may have a problem with it. I also feel that it is his right to know up front exactly what he is getting himself into, because he IS getting himself into something when entering a serodiscordant relationship. Let's be honest, the biggest issue in the relationship is not going to be who gets which side of the bed. One of my biggest fears is infecting anyone else as I know first hand what an emotionaI trainwreck it can make you. I also hate the thought of dying before my lover and leaving him to deal with an equally large train wreck.

I wish that I could pretend that everything about HIV is just moonbeams and lollipops, but I know better than that. No I do not feel like a "viral time bomb," but I know that in most cases, that is, basically, true.

Maybe it is the fact that I am 22 years old. Perhaps I am just less intelligent than I like to pretend to be, but I can see why an HIV-negative person would not want to get involved with an HIV-positive person. Honestly, if I were negative I do not know that I would date someone who is positive. I like to tell myself that I would not run from a relationship with a modern day lepper as I now know how it feels to be that lepper. However, had I never contracted "the hiv," I'd probably do everything in my power to avoid it. Is that wrong? Maybe it is. I do not know.

All I am trying to say is that a positive person should not get angry with a negative person for not wanting to be involved with someone who is a definite risk. If people with "the hiv" would really think about it, I do not see how they could honestly say that they blame them.

Later Consuela.