Cornbread & Shrimp Skanky
Sometimes in life, you meet someone special. You hit it off immediately. You seem to have known each other since before time began. It is as though your souls were once conjoined twins. You laugh together. You cry together. You braid each other's hair. You cry together some more (you are really emotional). You cannot imagine what your life would be like without that person. You should all know by now who that person is for me. She has always been there for me when I am down. She always knows just what to say to make things seem allright. She makes me laugh when I feel like crying. She makes me cry when I can't stop laughing. I truly love this woman with all of my heart. I think she knows it, but I don't really take the time to tell her. That is why I decided to take this opportunity to let all my feelings for her be known. As I am unable to truly express my feelings for her in words, I will simply say I love you. It is not as powerful as I'd like for it to be, but I think it says it well enough. So no matter what happens, no matter what you are going thru, no matter how far apart we are or how crazy our love may seem to be, always remember that I DO truly love you Bea Arthur, my queen.
Last week I had a date with a guy. It was fun. Made me happy. We have alot in common- not unlike every other person I go out with, I blame it on my eclectic personality- and alot to talk about. He is smart, funny, and blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, buh blah blah dee blah. So we had a second date. We went to Happy Japan Cook in Front of You Palace of Dragon Eating Golden Ducks or something like that. I do not particularly care for those places. I enjoy the food. I enjoy knowing that it is properly cooked. I do not really enjoy watching the whole song and dance. Call me a lemur, but I don't. Anyway, we ordered our food. The guy came out and started doing his thing. Knife throws, flame breath, Sit'n'Spin, Riverdance and Dances with Wolves. He had rhythm. He had music. He had fried rice. Who could ask for anything more?! No one, that's who. But he gave us more anyway. After slicing, dicing, grilling, killing, and spackling a single shrimp into several shrimpy shrimp pieces, he began picking them up one at a time and tossing them at the different nameless people with whom we were dining. Dining with strangers...how exciting. So he threw a shrimpy shrimp piece at someone who attempted to catch it in his mouth. Failure. He has brought great shame upon his house. He then looks at the guy I was with and myself. His eyes got larger, smile broadening. "You catch in mouth!" he seemed to jubilate. It seemed this way because he was, in fact, saying it with jubilation. Which is, I suppose, a good enough reason for me to think he seemed to be doing it. Jubilating that is. I digress. "You catch in mouth!!" I looked at my Dutch date. Surely, he was not about to expect me to catch a shrimpy shrimp piece in my mouth. Apparently, when I told him that I do not like shrimp that much, he misunderstood. Perhaps, he thought I'd like it better if it were being hurled at my head. Who knows? God does, that's who. So Mr. Miyagi proceeds to shout, "You catch in mouth! YOU catch in MOUTH!!!" I felt like I was on a Japanese gameshow. Not sure what you win. Though, I sure was hoping it would be a food processor or maybe a fry daddy. A salad shooter would have also been nice, but not fry daddy nice. It is silly to even think it would be. Apples to Oprah that is. I mean honestly. "I'm wearing a white linen Banana Republic shirt. No thank you," I explained with a big smile and a slight nod. "NO! YOU CATCH in MOUTH!!" I think that something was getting lost in translation. "No thank you. Linen. White linen," I said pointing to my shirt. "Nooooo...you catch in MOWth!" he seemed to reassure. The next thing I know, there is a shrimpy shrimp piece flying at my head. "I AM ALLERGIC TO SHRIMP!!" I screeched, ducking slightly as it hit my Banana Republic white linen shirt. "NOOOoooo ho ho ha ho ha... You catch in mouth. Ha ha ho he!" he chuckled, spraying shame on my house. "Allergic to shrimp. It is on my shirt. I catch in mouth, I swell and die. Ha ha ho he ha ho hum!" He looked slightly disappointed. "You allergic shrimp? I just want you catch in mouth." A single tear rolled down his cheek. Then, spinning around to the inbred couple beside me, smile restored, he undulated, "You catch in mouth!!"
NN was at the apartment the other night. We decided to go into Gay.com's chatroom and go shopping for me. On our trip we found many potential bedfellows for me. One calls himself a werecat. He looked a bit like the creepy neighbor guy with the red chop sideburns in the Tom Hanks movie The Burbs. He was wearing a lovely greasy jockstrap. Then there was the guy who has never left that chatroom in his life other than once. He is ALWAYS in there. He looks a bit like the rotund, shades wearing demon in Hellraiser other than the demon's lack of dragqueen Elvis hair. The only time he has ever been away from that chatroom was when he went to Pat O'Brien's in New Orleans, ordered a Hurricaine, and had his picture taken. That is the very picture that he uses on his profile. Then there was an absolute adonis named Varsity Something Preston I Want You To Have My Babies. The best was this psychotic fucktard named JxnAnonymous or something similar. His opening line was, "Hey. What R U N2?" I responded, "Piss and shit." He told me that he found that hot and proceeded to ask if he could urinate in my mouth. I am sure I said he could. He was quite the charmer. He then asked what else I am "N2." I told him that I like to be tied up and burned with cigarettes. He said that that also pleased him in the pants. He then asked me whether I spit or swallow. I told him that I do neither as I save it in jars to be used in a fabulous cornbread recipe that I have. I offered the recipe, but he declined. He asked how long it takes to get enough to make the cornbread. I told him not long since I am a chinchilla breeder and they produce alot of it. He told me that he was surprised that I am not "N2" sex with dogs. I told him that I had to stop after the whole German Shepherd fiasco. He then proceeded to call me a smartass and an asshole for an hour the whole time saying that he was about to go to bed. It was good, mean fun for all. Now, NN wants a Gay.com screenname of her very own.
Later Consuela.
Sometimes in life, you meet someone special. You hit it off immediately. You seem to have known each other since before time began. It is as though your souls were once conjoined twins. You laugh together. You cry together. You braid each other's hair. You cry together some more (you are really emotional). You cannot imagine what your life would be like without that person. You should all know by now who that person is for me. She has always been there for me when I am down. She always knows just what to say to make things seem allright. She makes me laugh when I feel like crying. She makes me cry when I can't stop laughing. I truly love this woman with all of my heart. I think she knows it, but I don't really take the time to tell her. That is why I decided to take this opportunity to let all my feelings for her be known. As I am unable to truly express my feelings for her in words, I will simply say I love you. It is not as powerful as I'd like for it to be, but I think it says it well enough. So no matter what happens, no matter what you are going thru, no matter how far apart we are or how crazy our love may seem to be, always remember that I DO truly love you Bea Arthur, my queen.
Last week I had a date with a guy. It was fun. Made me happy. We have alot in common- not unlike every other person I go out with, I blame it on my eclectic personality- and alot to talk about. He is smart, funny, and blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, buh blah blah dee blah. So we had a second date. We went to Happy Japan Cook in Front of You Palace of Dragon Eating Golden Ducks or something like that. I do not particularly care for those places. I enjoy the food. I enjoy knowing that it is properly cooked. I do not really enjoy watching the whole song and dance. Call me a lemur, but I don't. Anyway, we ordered our food. The guy came out and started doing his thing. Knife throws, flame breath, Sit'n'Spin, Riverdance and Dances with Wolves. He had rhythm. He had music. He had fried rice. Who could ask for anything more?! No one, that's who. But he gave us more anyway. After slicing, dicing, grilling, killing, and spackling a single shrimp into several shrimpy shrimp pieces, he began picking them up one at a time and tossing them at the different nameless people with whom we were dining. Dining with strangers...how exciting. So he threw a shrimpy shrimp piece at someone who attempted to catch it in his mouth. Failure. He has brought great shame upon his house. He then looks at the guy I was with and myself. His eyes got larger, smile broadening. "You catch in mouth!" he seemed to jubilate. It seemed this way because he was, in fact, saying it with jubilation. Which is, I suppose, a good enough reason for me to think he seemed to be doing it. Jubilating that is. I digress. "You catch in mouth!!" I looked at my Dutch date. Surely, he was not about to expect me to catch a shrimpy shrimp piece in my mouth. Apparently, when I told him that I do not like shrimp that much, he misunderstood. Perhaps, he thought I'd like it better if it were being hurled at my head. Who knows? God does, that's who. So Mr. Miyagi proceeds to shout, "You catch in mouth! YOU catch in MOUTH!!!" I felt like I was on a Japanese gameshow. Not sure what you win. Though, I sure was hoping it would be a food processor or maybe a fry daddy. A salad shooter would have also been nice, but not fry daddy nice. It is silly to even think it would be. Apples to Oprah that is. I mean honestly. "I'm wearing a white linen Banana Republic shirt. No thank you," I explained with a big smile and a slight nod. "NO! YOU CATCH in MOUTH!!" I think that something was getting lost in translation. "No thank you. Linen. White linen," I said pointing to my shirt. "Nooooo...you catch in MOWth!" he seemed to reassure. The next thing I know, there is a shrimpy shrimp piece flying at my head. "I AM ALLERGIC TO SHRIMP!!" I screeched, ducking slightly as it hit my Banana Republic white linen shirt. "NOOOoooo ho ho ha ho ha... You catch in mouth. Ha ha ho he!" he chuckled, spraying shame on my house. "Allergic to shrimp. It is on my shirt. I catch in mouth, I swell and die. Ha ha ho he ha ho hum!" He looked slightly disappointed. "You allergic shrimp? I just want you catch in mouth." A single tear rolled down his cheek. Then, spinning around to the inbred couple beside me, smile restored, he undulated, "You catch in mouth!!"
NN was at the apartment the other night. We decided to go into Gay.com's chatroom and go shopping for me. On our trip we found many potential bedfellows for me. One calls himself a werecat. He looked a bit like the creepy neighbor guy with the red chop sideburns in the Tom Hanks movie The Burbs. He was wearing a lovely greasy jockstrap. Then there was the guy who has never left that chatroom in his life other than once. He is ALWAYS in there. He looks a bit like the rotund, shades wearing demon in Hellraiser other than the demon's lack of dragqueen Elvis hair. The only time he has ever been away from that chatroom was when he went to Pat O'Brien's in New Orleans, ordered a Hurricaine, and had his picture taken. That is the very picture that he uses on his profile. Then there was an absolute adonis named Varsity Something Preston I Want You To Have My Babies. The best was this psychotic fucktard named JxnAnonymous or something similar. His opening line was, "Hey. What R U N2?" I responded, "Piss and shit." He told me that he found that hot and proceeded to ask if he could urinate in my mouth. I am sure I said he could. He was quite the charmer. He then asked what else I am "N2." I told him that I like to be tied up and burned with cigarettes. He said that that also pleased him in the pants. He then asked me whether I spit or swallow. I told him that I do neither as I save it in jars to be used in a fabulous cornbread recipe that I have. I offered the recipe, but he declined. He asked how long it takes to get enough to make the cornbread. I told him not long since I am a chinchilla breeder and they produce alot of it. He told me that he was surprised that I am not "N2" sex with dogs. I told him that I had to stop after the whole German Shepherd fiasco. He then proceeded to call me a smartass and an asshole for an hour the whole time saying that he was about to go to bed. It was good, mean fun for all. Now, NN wants a Gay.com screenname of her very own.
Later Consuela.
posted by Preston at 10:57 PM
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