Lost in 100 Acres
or
Pity? Party of One.

So Christmas has come and gone. I did not want to post on Christmas day as I am Jewish and didn't feel the need. My immediate family actually got together on Christmas Eve and had dinner. We have not been together, at the same table, having dinner at my mom's house, in seven years. That is kind of sad. It was nice though. The whole family was there. Tangent and Cotangent. My step-sis and her boyfriend of five years. My sis, her hubby, and Zouiey. My parents, of course. Then there was me. It really ws nice, but it made me feel a bit lonely. I think I am going to always be the single, gay uncle/brother/son/cousin who is always alone at family functions. I guess I just became very comfortable being with Eeyore and having him with me for family events. He went on family vacation with us last year (hadn't had a family vacation in a couple of years before that). He was there for Christmas. Went to dinner with myself and my mom or sister or brother or some other random family member. I don't know it was just comforting, I guess.

I spent Christmas day this year sitting at my mom's house alone. I was all right with being alone until the night of Christmas Eve. I was up all night (like always) watching television. I started to think about how nice it was to have someone. My brother and his wife had left. My sis, bro-in-law, and niece had gone back home. My step-sis and her boyfriend had gone to bed as had my parents. I was left alone in the living room. I just sat there. Watching tv. The movie Jeffrey was on one of the channels at around three or four in the morning. I knew better than to watch it, but watched anyway. It always depresses me. It is about a guy, Steve, who falls for another guy, Jeffrey. Jeffrey is interested in him until he finds out that Steve is HIV poz. He freaks out a little, but still has feelings for him, though he could never be involved with someone with HIV. It is always an emotional rollercoaster for me. Here is one of my favorite and most wrenching moments in it.

Steve is saying this to Jeffrey. This is just after telling Jeffrey that he is positive, being stood up by Jeffrey, and then bumping into him on the street.

Steve: I've been positive for almost five years. I was sick once. My T-cells are decent, and every once in awhile, like fifty times a day, an hour, I get very tired of being a person with AIDs, a red ribbon. So sometimes I choose to be just a gay man with a dick. Can you understand at all? I want you, Jeffrey. I may very well even love you. That means nothing? Hey, that should beat anything. That should win.

This whole feeling of loneliness and hopelessness was just magnified when I made the mistake of going to the gay Jackson wateringhole on Christmas night. It is depressing enough in and of itself, but while there, I ran into everybody. Actually that was not even so bad. Granted, many of them I did not care to see, some ex's and stuff, but I looked good Saturday night. Looking cute and feeling cute always seems to make things seem at least slightly better. Then I bumped into this guy that I have always been pretty interested in. He is nice, funny, really cute. Never wanted to date or anything, but just an interesting guy. So I went home with him Saturday night. When I mentioned to him that I am down with the sickness, you could see the terror in his eyes. There would be no sex for either of us that night. How could I be expected to keep it up while being looked at like I am a crazed psychopath or serial rapist. Steve pretty much summed up the way I feel. I am just tired of being a red ribbon.

Later Consuela.