A Rose by Any Other Name...Blah Blah Blah

Over the years I have been given quite a few nicknames. Some make perfect sense to me. Others grasp at it. What is the point I am trying to make? Well, what point am I ever trying to make? I guess, I just think it is funny that people rename their friends. It is more understandable renaming enemies. That is just juvenile belittlement. I am all about some childishness. Anyone who has read this thing with even the slightest degree of half-assed consistency should know that.

As a child, there were of course the "Poopie Head"s and "Bastard"s. There was also this fat, pompous jerk that we used to call "Saturn". He always squeezed into shirts that were sized 'small' when he was clearly an 'XL' guy. This caused a visible fat ring to form around him. I heard he got married. Good for him I guess. Then there was the kid with a skin condition similar to psoriasis who we called "Snake" or "Moccasin" or some other variation of a reptile theme. He was a nice guy and pretty smart from what I could tell. I swear they only stuck him in special ed because of his skin condition. I guess his parents thought he wouldn't have to deal with as many kids that way and would maybe not end up being the butt of cruel childish jokes if he were in special ed. I'm not really sure. I know it didn't help. I always felt really bad about the way we treated him and only stopped in high school. I wish I could apologize to him. Oh well. If you are out there and somehow stumbled onto this, I apologize. I was a stupid asshole kid who has answered to Karma tenfold for it, believe me. Then there was that kid we called "Turtle" due to the fact that he kind of looked like what a turtle would look like if it lost its shell. And in high school french there was that girl we called "Gnarl the Gnome" because she butchered the language and and bore an uncanny resemblance to a garden gnome. She was a sweet girl though. There have been a million different name variations. There was the "Valid Dick" for our graduating class. Then there was "Bedpost" and "Miss Magic Mouth", two names for the same girl who I used to treat like shit but am now very close to (no, neither was meant as a term of endearment). McMatt told me he called a boy, his fourth grade year I think, who was an ass and had a really short haircut "Sinead O'Connor". The only one at that time who appreciated it was his teacher who had to fight to keep from laughing. That is classic McMatt to me. Those are all different though. Those aren't really nicknames. That is just name-calling. I guess if they were used on a regular basis they could be considered nicknames. I don't know.

Now, I have matured...umm...yea. In the past couple of years, I have had Rotundra the Salami Queen, Malice, El Gappy Cojo, Horacio Vanderslice, Mongoloid Baby, Saltine, Japanese Smurf with Down Syndrome, Oompah Loompah, Walking Dead, Possob, Lucindafer, Hellen Keller, Beelzebitch, The Lovechild of *insert names*, Possom, Ishbu, and Mustardseed. My friend Cocoana, my hairdresser for the past seven years, is the king of insults and name-out-passing. He always has a name for any person in any situation. "Tittybritches" is one of my favorites. It has become the unofficial name of this guy that we know who always has his pants pulled up to his armpits. Many would simply call him Urkel or however it is spelled or some variation of it. Cocoana went with Tittybritches. I loved it. Then there was the guy who was going around telling people in Jackson some very personal health business of mine. He showed up at "the club" one night wearing an open front, laced up, frilly white shirt. Cocoana asked him if Long John Silver's had reopened. Then there was the little newbie queer who was being snotty to Cocoana simply because he was young and, in his opinion, cute. Upon being asked what he had done to deserve being treated like shit, the little one replied, "Ugh! Whatever. I am going to the bar to get a drink." Gently placing one hand on its shoulder, Cocoana explained "Sweety, they don't have Pedialyte here." I love that man.

Then there are the nicknames that I have for friends, acquaintances, and family. I have a ton on this blog that are either used in my real life or specifically for anonymity's sake like Father O'Flannigan, McMatt, Bookie Muffin, Cleptopatra, Bi Sagitarian, Tangent, Cotangent, Sweet Boy or Triple B, Hooker, Little Gay, Miss Ellouise (though technically that was not a nickname), Guapo (probably my third favorite nickname and one I often forget), Anna Nicole now known as Eeyore, Organ, Brazil, Elf, Rubix, and I am sure a few others. Then my friends from back in the day: Lil Cuban, Midnight, Moongoddess, Drucilla, Gay Momma, Aint B, Aint Deetruh, Centrum Leshay, Petaphene, Phene Phanessa Fifi, The Captain. And all-purpose names like Sister Sally Sister Pants, Sister Sally Sue Maybell, Buster Brown (my favorite), Fuckin McNugget, and Fucktard. Then there are the nicknames I have gotten over the years: Jason, Justin, Patrick, Cowboy, Bartholomew, Tomahawk, Bart, Crenion, Donnavon Davenport, Percy, Pretzel, Prestondigitonium, Ass Cumwad Asshole, Starkeeper. Last, but certainly not least, I call my mom either Woman, That Lady, That Woman Who Gave Birth to Me, or My First Apartment.

So again, what was the point of all of that? I just started thinking about how many different names I have for people, how often I rename people, and just thought it was a bit odd. I don't know why I do it, I just do. Not really sure if everyone is like that. Guess there was really no point. Just thought it was an odd habit. Oh well. I'm hungry.

Later Consuela.