Captain Planet, He's Our Hero!

I've noticed in the past several...well, just in the past that everyone seems to know the Captain Planet theme song. EVERYONE! At least, everyone in the 17 to 27 year old age range. Try to sing it. Seriously. You probably know it. I am not certain, but I bet if you went to an Amish community in Amlandington Falls, Ohio, you'd hear little Amlings (I guess that is what Amish children are called) running around singing that song. It is madness, I tell you. Pure madness!

I blame the government. I believe when all the superhyped, end-of-the-world, "Aquanet ate the ozone causing my sheep to be born with toes, webbed ones at that" stuff was really getting going in the 1980s and early '90s, the government decided to try a new approach to saving the world...sorry had to have a little internal chortle at the thought of the government trying to save the planet. Anyway, instead of having Susan Powter try her screeching, "Stop the insanity! I've had way too much ginseng" approach (which apparently never worked for weightloss since there is such a problem these days with obesity), Ronald Reagan, "Weird Al" Yankovic, and George Bush Sr. decided to reach America and help future generations of the world thru the cunning use of mindcontrol. Specifically, mindcontrol of children. The children are the future as they say (I want to meet this mysterious "they").

Originally, the three major American powers of the '80s made a hard hitting, balls to the wall cartoon featuring the three as a superhero action team. They would combine forces, not unlike the Power Rangers, and fight. It was only on-air for about a week because parents felt it was too bloody and, the characters, too bitchy.

Once that was trashed, they moved on to a few other random shows including the classic telethon "Ties 4 a Better Tomorrow" hosted by Paula Poundstone (I just noticed how much she looks like Edina Monsoon from Absolutely Fabulous). As this did not seem to appeal to the younger crowd, or anyone else for that matter, they decided to stick with making cartoons.

One day, during their monthly toga party, Bush announced, "Bon Jovi! I think I've got it!"

"What is it? What is..what...is what. What? Where am I? *cough* Toga," said Reagan nearly choking on a jelly bean as he shoveled another handful from a pouch he had sewn into his toga.

"WOOOO!" added "Weird Al" as he did a little jig and played another glorious polka.

"Dude, get this, okay. So we have this guy, right. And he wants to save the planet, right."

"Gorbachev is a poo head."

"Stay focused, Ronnie. So he needs to save the planet because if it dies, he dies. So this guy, he is..."

"But wait wouldn't everyone die if the planet died?" Al interjected. "I mean, if the world really..."

"SILENCE, IMPUDENT MINSTREL MONKEY!! You dare question me?! Now, dance, monkey! DANCE!

"So like I was saying, this super guy, a superhero if you will, will die if the planet dies. There are these kids who have to join together to form him. So they..."

"Wait, how do kids form a planet saving superhero?"

"They use magic duct tape! Now shut up, you. So they duct tape themselves toge..."

"So couldn't anyone duct tape themselves together to form a superhero. And how come we have to have something join together in our cartoon? It didn't work with "The R.A.G." so why would it work this time?"

"If you shut the hell up and focus on your accordion for a minute, I will explain. So they use these magic sweatbands to join togethe..."

"I thought you said they used duct tape."

"Nancy, where's my Chia Pet? He's hungry, Nancy. It is time to feed him. Chia... I like cake."

"Ronald, Nancy is at the Betty Ford cocktail mixer with Susan Powter. Your Chia Pet is not here. That is Al's head. And I can stick them together with whatever I want, "Unusual Al" Yankovic. I am the president."

"It's "WEIRD AL" and you know it! You know how much I hate it when you call me that."

George stared at the Yankovic for a moment trying to melt his brain with the powers ET gave him in exchange for a bag of Reese's Pieces. After ten minutes, he gave up realizing he had been had by the little French bastard.

"So like I was saying, they use their magic rings to join forces and bec..."

"Ooo...magic rings! I like that!"

"Jelly beans!"

"One more Al! One more."

"But I was just saying that I..."

Bush Sr. picked up Reagan and batted Al in the head with him.

"I warned you. Didn't I warn him, Ronnie," as George put Reagan back down on the floor next to the pile of jelly beans he'd been seperating.

"THAT's uh SPICY MEATBALL!" Reagan responded.

"Good Reagan. So they take their rings, activate their powers, and he appears."

Al raised his hand, flinching a little.

"Yes, Al. And remember what happened last time, so choose your words carefully."

"Yes sir, Mr. President, sir. Sir, it sounds good, but how will we get the kids hooked on this one? We've tried the joint superhero thing before. Uh sir."

"Yes, we did. This time they cause him to appear. They do not actually become him."

"Oh yea. I noticed you had changed your story again from them becoming him to him just appearing, but I didn't mention it beca..."

George grabbed Reagan again by the ankles and thwacked Al in the head followed by a Reagan battering ram to the stomach.

"You mixed up my jelly beans," Ron yelped.

"I'm sorry, Ronald. It is "Unusual Al"'s fault. Apologize to him, Al!"

"I'm sorry, Ronald."

George, putting him down gently, "Now you go play with your beans, sweety. "

"Jelly beans!"

"Okay, your jelly beans. I have to explain to this putz how we will succeed with this show, ergo vis-a-vis."

"I don't think you used either of those correctly."

"What did you say!?"

"I said, 'I think I will play a little ditty on the accordion, sir.'"

"That doesn't even sound like what you said."

As Al began to play his accordion, Ronnie stood up in a trance and began to do the Safety Dance.

"BON JOVI! That's it. We will have a theme song that will make the children watch the show. They will watch, and they will learn. Then, when they are older, they will be obsessed with health and the planet's health, and the planet will be saved! Then I shall be known as the captain of the spaceship that is this planet earth! YES!"

"Oh! Oh! We could call it Captain Plan..."

"And it shall be called CAPTAIN PLANET!" as George hammered Al's stomach with the Reagan letter 'S'.

"So I'll do the music then?" rasped "Weird Al".

"No, you will not. We need something with staying power. We need a real musician. We need that Sussudio kid... Joan's grandson... What's his name?"

"You mean Phil Collins?"

"You're my best friend," Ronald murmured into the paperclip holder on the Oval Office desk.

"YES! Phil Collins! We must have him. Now fly, fly, fly, Minstrel Monkey! Fly!"

"But I can't fly. How about I just...AAAAAAAAAAH!!" Bush Sr. grabbed Al by his wafro and suspender bottoms and flung him thru the Oval Office window. He walked back to his desk, sat down, and pulled a jar of jelly beans from one of the drawers, shaking them.

"Here Ronnie! Here boy!" Reagan stopped doing the Safety Dance, jumped into George's lap, and curled up in his toga for a nap.

"We will save this planet. Oh, yes. We will."

"Toga."

So that is basically what happened. Now you know from whence that song came. Amazing story, huh?

Well, that is all I have time for. Gotta pack my last bit of stuff.

Later Consuela.