Sunday, March 04, 2007

Mothers, Lockup Your Daughters. I'm Back.

Hey everybody! I'm back. Father O'Flannigan told me that I need to start this thing back up so his coworkers will have something to read and someone to make fun of. So here I am. I'm a lot like Jesus in that way.

Not a lot has been going on. Actually a lot of shit has happened, but who wants to read a year's worth of crap crammed into a post. I sure as shit don't. I'm sure you do not either. So I am just saying "No! No! It's great to say 'No!'" Again, a lot like our Lord Jesus Christ in that respect. Amen. I'll give a quick rundown of the past year.

Preston's 2006 (Early 2007) Rundown

by Preston Lastname

Sponsored in part by Mennen

January: Did some things.

February: Continuation of January's things and quit "blogging" (I hate that word). Also accepted job as freelance graphic designer/cover art designer (their title not mine) for company's magazine.

March: First issue published. By the way, it is a cleaning supply company's magazine. It is an international company, but still it is not anything to brag about. If it were, I'd have the name listed and send out copies and whatnot.

April: Second issue published. Possibly boinked someone.

May: Quit the freelance shit after being gerbil ass raped and then fisted out of a large chunk o'change by those commie cleaner bastards. After I had already done a buttload of work for the May issue and completely put together this huge campaign they were doing about changing the company's name. I also designed their new logo, but due to the falling out, they couldn't use it and are now stuck with a pile of wombat dung. Slightly bitter.

June: Bad month.

July: Bad month other than being accepted at the Art Institute of Portland. I would have been studying under Will Vinton, the father of Claymation.

August: Couldn't afford tuition. Drank heavily. Dated and boinked someone I am not at liberty to discuss on here for my own protection.

September: Turned 25. Drank heavily. "Hey remember..." followed by any childhood hero/tv show flew out of my mouth more than usual. Recapturing childhood or something I guess. Continued to boink He Whom We Do Not Speak Of.

October: Broke up with HWWDNSO on our three month after he...nevermind. Great story. Perfect actually. Just not worth going into. Also won $1200 dollars money for my Leprechaun costume in two different contests. It is a crap picture but was an awesome costume. Made it all myself including the latex face pieces...oooh...aaah...I know...

November: Ate turkey. Went to Disney World.

December: Still in Disney World. Drank heavily.

January: Visited McMatt in San Francisco since that is where he lives now. Decided I need to move away. Want to move there now inspite of the fact that it is really fucking gay. They take the butt sex crazy seriously over there. Also boinked someone (not in San Francisco but local). Got a record player (not to be confused with a turntable)

February: Took the Pharmacy Tech National Exam to be Certified and Whatnot Test. Boinked someone. Started back at the Y. Was accused of giving Father O a handjob even though he and I have never done anything like that. Apparently, in some cultures, finding a person's rings on a coffee table is sign numero uno of a little of that wah WAH wowie ZOWIE ZOW of the hand persuasion. Watch out now!

General: Still smoking. Talked about drinking more than actually drank. Masturbated. Became obsessed with Dubb and his downfall. Accepted the fact that from 25 to 30, you are dead in the gay world inspite of the few scattered boinkings (not the same as the butt sex which is why it is called "the butt sex" or "bumping uglies"). Started editing pictures in MS Paint habitually. Became a pseudostalker not unlike Jesus. Glory!

Now, we're all up to speed. I'm still a vegetarian until I am shitty drunk and starving without options. I do eat the occasional chicken or seafood. Gotta keep up the protein to build up my guns. Afterall, what's a gunshow without guns? A rhetorical question, but I'd guess a monster truck rally without the monster trucks.

I ran this theory past Father O while we were sitting naked, other than the Y's microtowel, and dripping with post workout sweat in the sauna the other morning. (Now, now ladies. Calm down. There are still plenty of seats on the Preston Express.) I have decided that the Egyptians did not build the pyramids. Instead, early movie producers did it as the first major movie promotional gimmick in an attempt to destroy Walt Disney. Felix had lost some popularity because of ole Walt's work, so they built the pyramids to promote the launch of their "Felix the Cat" cartoons. Popularity of the pyramids caught on. This made the so-called "ancient Egyptians" popular. That of course made cats suddenly become popular, so Felix was saved. As far as "historical documents" that talk about the pyramids before this time, the producers simply rewrote history. Since no one was alive back then, it has gone by completely unnoticed all these years. That is, of course, until today. If this were Crack the Case, I'd be a "master detective" (sadly, a somewhat obscure reference). Father O's response to this was something to the effect of, "It's hot in here. Are you ready to go?"

Later Consuela.