Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Donny Osmond, Eat Your Heart Out

NN just told me that on Days of Our Lives Jennifer's baby kicked and Sammy's response was, "At least you know it is still alive." How great is that! As I do not follow the show, I do not know who they are, but as Nataschia said, "At least SOMEONE shares our sense of humor."

For all of you who read about and decided that the "Everything Fiber" diet plan that I invented sounded like a great idea that you should try, PLEASE for the love of God get a knittnig needle now and abort! It will fuck your shit up. That diet is like the 46th dumbest idea I have ever come up with. Trust me on this.

This woman that I met the other day (that other day being yesterday) who works at my hospital was talking about being fat. I don't think I ever caught her name. I have a tendency to not learn a person's name. As I never remember them anyway, I try not to learn them to begin with. Anyway, she was talking about having that little old lady crotch pudge. Well, she calls it a FUPA (Fat Ugly P**** Area, yes even Preston has limits on what words he will say). When she called it that, I laughed so hard, I laughed until I stopped. Partly because that is just SO wrong and partly because a woman whom I had known for all of four minutes just told me what a FUPA is. Anyway, now you all know. It is one of those tidbits that one must pass down. Like dead baby jokes. You know that it is something you should take to the grave, but you cannot help but spread the insanity.

She also told me about this woman who has nipples that are the size of a person's hand. It is some chick that she knows. She calls her Queen Areola. I told her that that is called Bologna Nipple Syndrome or Salami Nipple Syndrome (depending on which medical textbook you are referencing). Then she went off on a tangent about how she wants to start wearing meat pasties. I think I found a new friend. Need to find out her name now.

So last night at work, I saw one of the most disturbing things EVER. I watched a man die. Well, he almost died. He probably didn't live thru the night. This disturbed me on several levels which will have to be discussed in another entry as death is, more often than not, a bit of a killjoy.

I stayed up all night last night. Well, I went to bed at 6 this morning. I watched some gay movie that was pretty good considering the genre. Usually they are incredibly campy, waxy, and fake. Then again most gay guys that I know are that way, so maybe they are just reflecting reality. Then again, they are movies so they should have no basis in reality whatsoever. Moving on. I then wanted to watch another depressing movie, so I watched Disney's "Alice in Wonderland" (I couldn't find any depressing movies). I am an Alice in Wonderland FREAK. I collect Alice stuff. And 80's toys. And "Nightmare Before Christmas" stuff. And keychains. And "RHPS" stuff. And oddball fridge magnets. Basically I collect junk. Take the magnets for example. I permanently borrowed a magnet from work that I found on one of the drug refrigerators. It say, "Drugs Only. No Food." I thought it was funny. I also bought one at a truckstop near Memphis that says,"Got Jesus?" That one is my favorite. Every time I look at it, I have to giggle like a smitten debutant who has lost her manners. I have a fucked up sense of humor, I know.

Well after watching Alice, I decided I needed more Disney. I am at Father O'Flannigan's apartment now. He has a copy of the banned Disney film "Song of the South." I absolutely HAD to watch it. It kind of sucked. I didn't really see why they banned it. I mean, it only made slaves look like they enjoyed their slave labor. They were constantly singing upbeat, Disneyesque songs and laughing and saying fun things like, "Uncle Remus, you tells duh bess tales in duh whooole United States uh Jawjuh!" I think Disney had originally put songs entitled 'Cawnbread an Crackuhs', 'Jiggaboo Jive,' 'Just a Monkey an a Mule,' 'God Bless a Honky', and 'Mistuh's Gone Bash My Head in Iffin' Ise Don't Plow Dat Fill' in the movie, but the honky cracker dominant test audiences thought they were too contrived. The movie was originally titled "Slavin' Ain't Easy, but It Shole is Fun" I think Disney did a very good "adaptation" of slavery. It was basically "Mary Poppins" meets "The Color Purple." "The Color Poppins." How could anyone be offended by that?

Originally, I was just planning on coming over to Father O'Flannigan's apartment for a few minutes. Well, last night, after work, I was coming over here to let him watch "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter." When I got here, he was already asleep. I had planned on watching a movie then driving the hour back to my mom's. Instead, I watched that gay movie ("Speedway Junky" I think is what it is called) and by the time it ended, it was like 2:30 or three. Didn't feel like driving then. I guess he will have to watch it tonight. That always seems to happen. Since Little Gay was asleep on the sofa, and he has a tendency to snore and talk alot in his sleep, I decided to take his bed. Normally, I never sleep in Little Gay's bed as he might try something with me. I usually end up in bed with Father O'Flannigan. Because of the "hiv" he will NOT try anything with me. I feel safer sharing a bed with him. Plus, he is closer to my age, intelligence, and dysfunction. I have alot more fun with him. No offense to Little Gay. I mean he is cool and all, but he has the same personality as most of my other gay friends. Not a bad thing. Father O'Flannigan is just a much needed change. Basically, Father O'Flannigan has a closer personality to what I wish all my gay friends had. The closest to his are that of my friends...hmmm...I'll call them Dutch and Wobucks. Dutch on a more subdued, sane level. Wobucks on a more effeminate level. I forgot where I was going with that. I guess that means I am done.

Later Consuela, 'bout to go shaaaave Mistuh.