Saturday, March 17, 2007

Man I Hate Heights

So I have decided that having this thing written all in a tiny white font on a black background is seizure inducing. What's not to like about a good ole fashioned seizure? Nothing. That's what. I may have noticed it before and had just forgotten it due to brain damage. One never knows about these things.

So I had some crap to actually talk about on here, but now I have forgotten all of it. Actually, as I typed that last sentence, I remembered what I want to talk about. Well, I remembered one of the things. Before I get started with that tomfoolery, I would like to mention that I passed the Pharmacy Tech National Exam to be Certified and Whatnot Test with flying colors. In faux, I made the highest score in the southeast. Kudos to me so sayeth the Lord. Amen and amen.

Now on to the randomness. Not randomness without reason. There is more than enough legit reason behind my ranting and randomness. To educate. To inspire. To heal. To educate.

Here we go!

Today, I'd like to talk about one of the greatest fictional characters of all time and the many lessons that he has taught me. I know him as MacGod, but you may know him as MacGyver.

I watched season one of MacGyver last week while I was off work (have seasons two and three at home waiting... woo hoo and the likes). I never realized how completely clueless I was on things dealing with the 1980s. I mean yea, I knew about Popples and Michael Jackson and tight-rolled acid washed jeans and "Knowing is half the battle" and mullets and Billy Joel and The Goonies and "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" and Twisted Sister and Fame and Transformers and "I want my MTV" and Smurfs and side of the head ponytails and wearing your sunglasses at night and a single dangling cross ear ring to set yourself apart as a "bad ass", but there is so much more to the 80s that I never even knew about. Perhaps I was just too young to remember them well enough.

Okay so everyone knows that with a paperclip and a match, anything can be done by MacGyver. This is not about the paperclip or the match. This is about all those other things that this great great man has taught me.

For example, did you know that in almost every household, office, warehouse, vehicle, desert, and forest there was a bundle of clean, untangled rope? There was. Everyone, let me stress that a little harder, EVERYONE had a bundle of rope lying around. I hardly know anyone these days who has a spool of thread much less a bundle of rope. The 70s were running rampant with loose things that needed to be tied down. But alas in 1972, the United States Rope Braiders Union went on a major strike (something to do with cheese) causing the major rope shortage. In 1978 (I did say it was a major strike), the strike was finally over and rope poured out all over the US like wax over the body of a leatherclad tied down midget. That is why everyone had such an abundance of rope. Devo's "Whip It" was another pleasant gem that came as a direct result of the end strike.

Another little known fact about the 80s is that everyone was insanely anal about the cleanliness of their oven. EVERYBODY! There was not a household in the world that did not have a bottle of oven cleaner and at least one or two on standby. They LOVED their ovens.

Germans are bad. Russians are evil incarnate.

Women who were in trouble were always attractive in that "Let's get physical"/Thigh Master sort of way with really big, dry, frizzy, sharp, ozone eating hair. The reason they were the only ones in trouble is because that was the only type of woman that were made back then. Men could range from buff and beautiful to bulky and bald, but the women...THEY were always 1980s perfection. They were also usually pretty stupid and slutty. Any chicka would make out with any fella provided he looked at her and, well, kissed her. It doesn't get any easier than that. They didn't bump uglies so much, but I don't think that that gained any popularity until after the release of Madonna's Truth or Dare. In the 80s, it was strictly heavy petting.

Contrary to popular belief, 80s music never had lyrics. If you could play the sax, you were a GOD! I now have a deeper understanding of Kenny G's popularity. It was not until 1989 that music added lyrics. This new song craze began with the hit Rock Against Drugs and was given a major facelift with the 1990 classic and father of rap music, Tough Boys.

For further information, please visit my page on myspace here. Also, I do realize I ended this suddenly, but I started this a couple of months ago (today is May 25, 2007), forgot about it, and rewrote alot of it on Myspace in a more summarized way. I don't want to continue repeating myself. Thanks.

Later Consuela.