Thursday, September 30, 2004

this is an audio post - click to play

Monday, September 27, 2004

Living Inside the Box

Due to an extreme case of writer's block and my inability to properly declog it because I cannot figure out how to use Drano (Monday, Febuary 2, 2004, Cleaning Pipes), I have not written anything on my novel in about a week. I also am unable to think of anything new to write on here. Tonight, I will just write from entries I did in a high school journal which was written for my ap english class. Things written in italics are my HS English teacher's, Mrs. Waites, comments. The first entry is a collection of things that I heard stand-up comedians mention over the years and a few questions of my own. And they are not chronological. They are just in the order that I get to them. Sorry.

And now, once again, without further achoo, here is One from the Box. (It will actually be like 100)

Thursday, January 23, 1998, 11:04 pm

I don't really know what to write tonight. I suppose I could just write about everything. Here goes.

If a mime is arrested, do the police have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book on failures doesn't sell any copies, is it considered a success?
Why do divebomber pilots wear helmets?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?
Can you rent an apartment, declare it an independent nation, and sue the people upstairs for invading your airspace?
How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
If hamburgers are made of beef, could beef change its slogan to "HAM: It's what's for dinner."?
If these walls could talk, would they speak English? Plus, would they also need to hear?
Did the chicken actually have a reason to cross the road? And, if so, who really cares?
Wouldn't it be worse to be bad to the bone marrow?
How cold does it have to be before Hades freezes over?
Which government agency arrests people for removing tags from matresses?
If psychics can really see into the future, why don't they send the people who call them their phone bills in advance?
Instead of telling your children to eat all their veggies because there are starving children in the world, send the veggies to the starving children.
Why do agencies spend the money you send them (to help support an underpriviledged child or family in another country) for feeding the family or child? Why not use it for U-Hauls so they can be moved out of the desert and into cities where food is?
Why am I called "Smokey"? I was making fun of Gunsmoke, Dukes of Hazard, and Smokey and the Bandits with some friends of mine. The name "Smokey" just sort of happened. [The real origin of that HS nickname came from the fact that I smoked pot and Camels like nobody's business and the coat I always wore reaked of smoke.]

I hope this wasn't too boring. Good night.

Oh yea, one more thing. Since laughter is the best medicine, can comedians get sick? And shouldn't comedians use the title doctor?

MW: I feel like I've been watching a Seinfeld monologue. I don't know the answers to any of your amusing questions. I do know that chickens don't have enough sense to cross the road or even to cross their beady little eyes. They are dumber than any other living creature on earth and they deserve to be cut up and fried and served with mashed potatoes & gravy.

Oh, and I believe that Teflon causes Alzheimer's disease. I have no proof at this time.

May 18, 1998, 10:15 pm

I will tell you a series of stories which will hopefully cover 7 pages.

Once upon a time, there were seven little men who had joint ownership of a condo in the woods. Well, they went to work one day at the lawfirm which they owned, 7 Dwarves and Associates. While they were away, an aspiring actress named Snow found their home (She had become lost while walking around the set of her new movie "Cinderella".).

She entered their home and disarmed the security system by spraying it with mace. She began to look around the house and notice how small and messy everything was. She pulled out her cell phone and called a maid service. The house was soon spotless.

She was tired, so she climbed into a tiny waterbed she found in the house.

At around 6:00pm, the seven dwarven lawyers came home to find that it'd been broken into. They sneaked inside and noticed their house was clean. Some of their case files had apparently been thrown away. They assumed it was a friend or family member of someone who'd been sent to prison by them. So they got their 9mm pistols. They found Snow, took her to jail at gunpoint, and pressed charges against her. She's now serving two life sentences for breaking and entering.

"Pinholio" by Preston Lastname

Once upon a time, a puppetmaker was lonely. He made a puppet which came to life. This scared the man so much that he had a heart attack and died. But only after knocking the puppet into a fire.

"Green Eggs and Ham" by Preston Lastname

I once knew a boy named Sam I Am.
He liked to eat green eggs and ham.
He offered them to me in a house.
He offered them to me with a mouse.
I said, "I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam I Am."
To him, it was a tasty treat
To devour tainted eggs and tainted meat.
So when I refused them, he did cry.
But, I still live and he has died.
So if you want to try green eggs and ham,
Just remember Sam I Am.

"Cinderella: What Really Happened" by Me

Once there was a nasty girl who lived with her step-mother and two step-sisters. Her name was Cinderella. She wanted to go to a ball that her step-mother and two step-sisters had gone to. Unfortunately, they said she couldn't because of her extreme dirtiness (something like that anyway).

She met a woman who was made of glitter or shiny body lice. She made Cinderella go to the ball in a mouse drawn pumpkin. She also made Cinderella a pretty dress. She had to leave at twelve though.

They prince who was having the ball fell in love with Cinderella. Cinderella, who had to leave (due to my extreme time lapses and it now being twelve), lost one of her glass slippers. The prince was angry, picked up the shoe, broke it, and went on a killing spree. He accidentally killed Cinderella, and when he realized he had, he killed himself.

The End?

April 16, 1998, 11:30pm

You may get mad about this Journal Page, {Uh Oh} but this is driving me crazy. Before I begin writing this, I just wanted to tell you that I am not writing this because I am some obsessed, nudity freak. Okay? {O.K.}

If men can run around topless at the beach, why can't women? Don't say it's morally wrong, I want specific answers.

I know women are more developed than men, but some men and women were created equal. Physically, that is. { :) }

Rani Lastname and Mrs. Read said that it's because men would lust after topless women. I understand that, but women look at muscular topless men the same way. Whether they admit it or not, it's true. { It's true...but...see comments at end of your Journal Entry}

Personally, I don't care whether women run around topless or not. { really?} I just want to know why it's morally wrong.

Another thing I was wondering about is, why can women grab men's chests and it's okay? Vice versa is sexual harassment. Like, if a girl at RHS grabbed my chest and I turned her in, Coach Howell [my HS principal] would tell me to not make such a big deal out of it. Then, he'd send me back to class. If I did the same thing to that girl, I'd be put in In-School suspension.

I don't agree with sexual harassment in any form. I just want some answers. So if you have any answers and don't think I am completely mentally disturbed, please, give your answers to me. Thank You.

Oh yea, Mrs. Anderson is the one who said it was morally wrong.

I only asked women because most men would be saying that all women should run around topless. Which, I guess, is one answer for my questions.

MW: Gosh, I'm trying to figure out how to answer this without crossing "the line". Men and women don't really think the same way about these things. Although, I think the differences netween the two are narrowing. Women are becoming more like men, more sight-oriented. Men have always been very sight-oriented. In the past, women were more emotion-oriented. In other words - O.K.- nevermind- There's no way I, a female teacher, can write down the answer to you, a male student, and not get in trouble. For Pete's sake Preston, don't you watch the news?

Later Consuela.