I Fought the Dog and the Dog Won
OR
The Collective: A Gaian Tale

Two weeks ago tomorrow I signed up with a website called Gaia Online. It is an interesting little website. I will not say that I have gotten hooked, but I do enjoy Blackjack or Jigsaw now and again. They're fun. Woo boo ba doo! Fun. The whole point of the site is to play games and earn fake money to buy fake things for your little anime avatar. You can buy clothes, hairstyles, cars, furniture, basically, fake stuff. You can even, assuming you have enough fake money and real time, buy your very own "Celebrity Date" for your avatar. That's right. You are basically buying yourself a whore or in my case a manwhore. Welcome to your children's gaming future.

I say your children's gaming future because that is who is in this free virtual community. Children between the ages of 13 and 16 to be exact. There are a few of us who are older. Apparently there are even a couple of 30 year olds, though I have not seen them as of yet. When I do I will be making plastermolds of their feet and selling them in the marketplace. Did I mention the marketplace? No? Well, the marketplace is where one goes to sell all of his or her unwanted items. It is set up much like eBay with a "Bid" and "Buy Now" function. You can get some poor schmuck...so many places I could go with that...to buy your stuff for double what it is worth and build a tiny virtual empire. I miss the good ole days of plumbers fighting mushrooms and turtles.

So yea. I am a Gaian now apparently. It is not my life, but I enjoy it for what it is. Hang in there, I am getting to my point. It appears that a lot of people have been completely brainwashed into believing that Gaia is the new world. "The new Way" if you will. I love referring to things as "the new way". Aaaah... Right, so people seem to be sucked into it like so many other games. They seem to forget they are living in the real world.

They have their own language. New people are n00bs or newbies or some other variation thereof. There are others, but I refuse to list them. At any rate I went into a forum that was bitching about the new people who are on the site. These people just went on and on and on about how insanely horrible anyone who had not devoted every waking moment to the website since it began in 2004 as the scum of the earth. They wOUld nOt sTOp bitching about all of us new members. Which at first I was almost irritated by, I will admit. But then I realized I was not annoyed by them talking about me. That is juvenile. I was annoyed by the fact that there are actually people out there who are so sucked in to things like these virtual communities that they begin to have these elitist ideals based solely on what basically amounts to a video game score while completely rejecting the outside world. Even the people who were defending myself and the other new people, were putting entirely too much energy into it. I was so physically exhausted from reading the argument, nauseated by repeatedly reading "n00b" and "newbie", and mostly disgusted with myself for having actually sat and read all of it at work, that I typed this in response:

Frankly, anyone who gets this upset or angry about anything dealing with a virtual community should probably try going outside. I mean come on, buddy. Logout already. There really is life outside of Gaia. In fact, there is life outside of, dare I say it, your computer! I can already hear a collective gasp/groan from some of you, but I speak the truth my friends.

There is a whole world out there full of things to do, friends to meet, and experiences to have. Yes, the chances of money falling from a tree or a rock when you shake them are less. Big deal. You get to actually spend the real money on real things when, by some strange turn of luck, you manage to really shake money from your real tree or rock. You could even spend it on some of the Gaia merchandise. It is crazy I know, but true. You can actually experience the experiences in your life in the fresh air and midday sun instead of arguing about insignificant garbage with total strangers while staring at a computer monitor and developing bedsores on your ass. Personally, bedsores do not appeal to me, but that is a personal choice really.

I know you may be saying, "Why are you getting this upset while preaching about not getting upset about these things? A little hypocritical don't you think?" To answer, no, I do not think it is hypocritical as I am not upset. Disappointed in society maybe, but not upset or angry. Fearful of living in a lethargic, atrophy riddled world, but not upset or angry. I am also not attacking nor am I trying to attack any of you, I am just trying to educate. Those of you I am talking to with this know who you are. Please take something from it. The sky is not pixelated. Trees are not bitmapped renderings. Rejoin the living and stop this unnecessary madness. Newb, n00b, newbie, pwned, pwnd, 1337, l337, blah, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't matter.

I guess I am just saying lighten up. This is just a game. Well, that and that internet slang is really silly. I have nightmares of a world where men and women dressed in business attire stand around the water cooler, look at an intern, and ask their boss, "So who's the n00b?"

I am finished.

Why even waste my time? Why get sucked in? Well, as a result there were several people who replied agreeing with me and who are actually around my age. So at least now, when I sign on to play some blackjack or do a puzzle, I will have someone to chat with. Why does it matter if I have someone with whom I can chat? Well...ahem...

And now I give you I Fought the Dog and the Dog Won by Preston Lastname

Once upon a time there was a 25 year old named...Creston...who signed up with an online community in an attempt to play blackjack and online puzzles at work. Well, what he didn't realize at the time (besides that the games do not actually work on the work computers) was that he is the oldest person in the CG land. Inspite of being repeatedly referred to as "gramps" he muddled thru and did his puzzle in the Gay/Bi rooms on lazy off days from working for the man.

"Does anyone want to be my boyfriend?" asked a meek little anime avatar. In retrospect, he probably asked, "ne1 wan 2 b my boifriend? XD" but that's neither here nor there.

"Do you offer a 401k?" asked Creston smirking slightly.

"What? What are you talking about?" asked a confused little anime avatar, his inquiries echoed by the other people in the game chatroom.

Realizing he was once again the oldest by far, he said, "Nevermind," and continued to chip away at the 300 shards of the image before him, giving up all hope of having casual conversation with any of the of the other children. So he sat in his quiet exile trying to fit the large eyed, half nude cartoon of a lady back to her original form only glancing down at the various "conversations" taking place every now and again.

At some point, one of the tiny bug eyed children was talking about his online boyfriend and how in love they are and how his boyfriend accepted him for who he is and even accepted his deepest darkest secret (which clearly translated to "Ask me what my secret is."). Creston, resisting the urge to explain to him that he is too young to know what love is not to mention the fact that it is an online boyfriend not to mention the fact that he hasn't lived long enough to have that many "deep dark" secrets, moved the smoky white left breast into its proper place. With the line cast, Creston knew it was only a matter of time before someone took the bait. Unfortunately, it was less than three lines away.

"What is your deepest darkest secret? Oh, I want to know."

"No, I cannot tell you then it wouldn't be a secret."

"Please!"

This continued for the entire reconstruction of the flaming man featured in Creston's broken image. The man wasn't a flaming homosexual, he was a man who had burst into flames, to clarify. Creston, unamused and tired at this point, stopped paying as much attention to the chatting and started really working on finishing up the puzzle which he had decided by this point was impossible. His mind began to wander. "There must be extra pieces or missing pieces or something in this thing. I wish they'd give me some virtual scissors in this one. Make the little bastards fit one way or the other. Why would anyone make a virtual puzzle with missing pieces? That makes no sense. It is a pretty cool idea though. I think I will make one of those. Well, I should make one. I never will. It is not like I do not have the free time. I know how to do it. I doubt it would even take that long. But nope. I'll just keep sitting here. Playing other people's games. Getting no recognition for what I can do. Probably will be stuck in the same shitty job I have now five years from now and have to move back in with..."

"I am what you call a zoophile."

*Blink blink*

Creston assumed he knew what that meant, but surely, surely he was mistaken. Surely, this was a young teen who was confused about what he was saying and was actually a lover of stuffed animals like teddy bears or beanie babies of yesteryear. Surely, he was trying to use a larger word so he could impress the other cartoon children. He likes going camping is all. He loves his cat, Fifi, is what he means. Perhaps he is an environmentalist alongside MacGyver. He definitely only meant he wants to fly like an eagle with the Steve Miller Band. Rocky Mountain High? Mr. Mistoffelees? Perhaps even a Furry for Christ's sake?

Zoophilia: n. Erotic attraction to or sexual contact with animals.

"Someone should call PETA," Creston said.

"What the hell is PETA?" asked beastial child.

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals," came Creston's simple response.

"HOW IS IT WRONG FOR THE DOG TO FUCK ME? HE LIKES IT!," he yelled, well, typed in Caps Lock.

While Creston does not find human on animal sex in any form to be acceptable, for some reason having a dog fuck you just seems extra wrong. Not sure what that says about him, but still. Back to the story.

"Until the dog walks up to you and says, 'Excuse me kind sir, but might I place my penis inside your anus,' it is wrong. The dog is acting on instincts. They hump pillows and people's legs for God's sake."

"WELL HOW IS IT WRONG WHEN THE DOG RAPED ME?!" he cried in desperation. The rest of the chatroom is completely silent throughout this entire exchange excepting only a fourteen year old homo who periodically added, "Awww...I am so sorry to hear that. You poor thing." In retrospect, it probably read something closer to, "awwwww... ) : thats sad *creis a lil* u pore thing. D=" but again, splitting hairs.

"How exactly does one go about getting raped by a dog?" asked Creston actually looking forward to this explanation.

"I WAS BENDING OVER TO GET SOMETHING OFF THE FLOOR AND HE JUMPED ON ME AND STARTED HUMPING ME! WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?!?!"

"Well, I would have knocked the dog off of me. It is a dog. And why was your bare ass in the air in the dog's face anyway?"

"SO YOU'RE SAYING IT IS MY FAULT I WAS RAPED?!?!?"

"I am just saying there are too many things disturbingly wrong with your story for me to pick apart all of them. I am just pulling them randomly. No, it is not your fault you were raped as you were not actually raped. You are a bizarre and sick individual who has completely changed his story and who really needs a visit from PETA. That is all I am saying. That's all I have to say. I am done," and Creston stopped to return to his flaming anime jigsaw puzzle. This is where the strangest and most disturbing bit of the story came thru. Well not the most perhaps, but it did slightly rattle Creston's nerves.

Six little homos sitting in a row looked at Creston and said the singlemost insanely politically correct, inspite of its being a grammatical nightmare, thing typed or said to date.

"y r u bein so mean 2 him? y r u judgeing him so bad?"

"You have got to be kidding me. I can not be the only one who finds this whole thing fucked up and wrong."

"jus drop it. he can lik n do wutevr he wans."

Creston then saved his puzzle, slowly moved his cursor toward the little red X in the corner, and prayed for his own survival and that of mankind. Something has obviously fucked up in the world.

The End?

So THAT is why I need to find people around my age to talk to on there. Kids scare me.

Later Consuela.