Friday, May 20, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Kim: Hold Me
Edward: I can't. (From Edward Scissorhands)

I have had alot to happen this past week that I was off. I went to New Orleans, a trip I had an excellent time on and will talk about later. I visited my family and went to a few USM graduations. I celebrated two birthdays. I started packing. I started a possible new relationship between two of my friends and brought my own relationship to an end.

I wanted to do an audioblog about this because I wanted to make sure I covered everything. I wanted to make sure that every single emotion I am feeling right now about every single thing that has occurred over the past week would not be dampened or nulled over time. I wanted to, but it always went back to me blubbering about the breakup. That is why I will write this, then do an audioblog at some other point about everything else. You can completely skip this one if you want. Granted, you could skip them all, but this one in particular you can skip for sure. It is meaningless to pretty much everyone besides myself. All of this is stuff that I need to say for my own sake. All of this is stuff that I am hoping Jason will, at some point, read and understand completely why we had to end it.

I told Jason that I wanted to break up. I did want to. Well, I did, and I didn't. I do, and I don't. It is like this. I love him, I really do. He is an awesome guy. We are two completely different people though. I told McMatt that Jason likes to balance his checkbook. McMatt shot back, "And you don't even have a checkbook." That, to me, summed up our relationship. We don't seem to have anything in common. He is straight lines and everything in its place. I am mannequins sticking out of the wall and a sink full of dishes. We are total opposites. I think we would have been better off as great friends than as a couple. I am hoping that someday he and I can be friends. I am scared that that, as is often the case, will not happen.

The thing that made me decide absolutely that it had to end happened during one of our more pleasant moments. Jason and I had been lying together in bed. We were talking and laughing and being pleasant. It was a really good moment. He looked at me and said laughing, "Wow, we're not arguing," or something to that effect. I kind of laughed, but then started thinking, shouldn't that be the exact opposite of how a relationship works. Shouldn't we think, "Wow, we're arguing." Shouldn't it be more shocking for two people who are dating to have a rocky moment than to have peaceful one? Shouldn't the good times outweigh the bad?

May 22, 2005: Since I started writing this I decided to just do the audioblog. So I'll post what I had and end it there.

Later Consuela.