Monday, June 20, 2005

Whatever Happened to a Lighthearted Aimless Rant?

I have moved all but a few empty bottles of wine and liquor that hold some sort of sentimental value to me, a trashbag full of my silverware that Nataschia felt would be best left on the front porch, my bed, and my sofa from what was once my home, now Nataschia's. I will be getting the last few scraps of my life out of hers on Tuesday morning when I get off work. If I must steal a truck and hire a homeless man I will. I need to be free of that place wholly so I can get my new place, my new life, in order. As of right now, my life, well the random figures of plastic and resin, wood and glass, metal and wax, that I pretend represent who I am, are, for the most part, in piles of ill-sorted boxs on the livingroom floor, my new bedroom, of Father O's house. I feel like the last surviving member of some ancient nomadic tribe. That or one of the Junkladies from the Jim Henson movie "Labyrinth". Ah well. I will be done soon enough.

This has been a fairly horrible week at work. It actually has not been so bad. I've just actually had to earn my small chunk of change this week, a feat I am no longer used to.

I heard one of the characters in "Waking Life" (excellent film) say that every seven years or so we reinvent ourselves, so the me of today is not at all the same as the me of seven years ago or the me of seven years from now. I feel like, in my case at least, that change doesn't come gradually. It happens overnight. Tonight feels like that night. I suppose it actually started with that long ass entry I did about being treated like a human, but now it seems to be in its final stage. It is like I have been in a chrysalis as cheesy as that sounds. Not that I think I am going to emerge a butterfly or anything like that. With my luck I'll end up some tentacled beast like "The Thing". This just, for whatever reason, seems like one of those moments. Maybe, I am passing from young adulthood to actual adulthood, a thought that terrifies me. This transition partly terrifies me because I know it is a transition I should have already made. I know some thirty year old's who are still nowhere near that metamorphosis, so I guess I must consider myself lucky. I do realize that tomorrow, I will probably be waking up as immature and ignorant to the ways of the real world as ever, but for now I will accept my fate and feel like the old soul that I am.

I am also in a weird state of mind about my personal life. I hate calling it my "personal life". I feel that it is most often (as the way I just used it) misused. What I actually mean is my lovelife. If you were to ask Jason, he would probably tell you things are rocky with us, but we are still dating. I say that we are just really close companions, less than dating but more than friends. I think I have burnt myself out on guys. All I want is friends. I decide after every breakup that I will never date again because I allow myself to get hurt so badly, but then I end up dating the next Tom's Hairy Dick that looks twice at me. Sometimes those only looking once. I really do not hate men. I just do not understand them. I mean, they confuse me. Well, people in general confuse me. I have absolutely no sex drive at the moment. So it isn't like I am out to fuck the world. I don't have a "fuck the world" attitude anymore either. I really don't know. I just decided, well accepted more than decided, awhile back that I am destined to be single and am supposed to only have friends not to be confused with only having friends in that pitiable, "poor poor me" tone. It is fine. I just need to make sure I cut the dating umbilical cord with Jason and clarify with a couple of people that I am not nor do I ever plan on dating them. I thought I made it clear when I said I am dating Jason, but apparently not. I think it will do me some good to be single for what will literally be the first time in almost six years. If my libido has some miraculous Lazarus moment, which I am thinking will not happen anytime in the near future, then I will take care of that myself. It wouldn't be the first time and certainly not the last. I just need a strong circle of friends right now I think. Not a larger circle mind you, just a strong one. Though, I think they are pretty strong as is. I guess I am just rambling. I'll go.

On a side note, Gregory Maguire is rapidly becoming one of my favorite modern authors. Just finished Mirror Mirror. Loved it as much as Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West. I'll start Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister tonight, I think. Okay that is all.

Later Consuela.